quod me nutrit me destruit

can I live alone? and what are my passions?

I had a deja vu dream about writing this piece less than a week ago, and when I woke up, I remember asking myself what the heck the two had to do with each other.

The answer is that they have nothing to do with each other, but both came up in conversation tonight.

***

I have long considered turning into a hermit. then I realised that I was an extreme cocooner.

Thing is. truth be told, I have on more than one occassion considered turning into a real hermit, heading for the hills, and staying there. I have considered becoming a nun, but could never decide which faith I would belong to; and I've definitely considered robbing banks to buy my own private island and swiss bank account and just living. alone. for the rest of my natural life.

But then I realise, who the hell am I kidding. No man is an island, and somehow I think I lack the mettle to buck the trend. I live in the city (or close enough that the hustle and bustle is still there) because I need that background noise. In other words, I like people. Just not one on one.

The fact that I work in hospitality makes it worse. The interaction with people at work is in fact all I need to sustain me socially, afterwhich I really don't need any more. In fact, any more interactions with me tire me. I try, believe me. I try. I realise I don't talk to friends, I don't call. and sometimes, when I do make the effort because I really do love my friends, and I really do try to make time for them, I find myself snarky, grumpy and short. Because I'm honestly people-d out.

Tonight, someone said I was socially negligent...and someone else clapped. and I definitely agree that it's a certain kind of nastiness that I seem to be very good at. So to all my friends, I'm sorry I turned out this way.

I won't try to make any excuses, but let's just say that I grew up this way too. How many emails went unanswered, and a sheepish apology later. I used to get hurt, until I realised that *most* people functioned this way- emails that served a purpose, and no need to reply after. Soon, I just became one of you, and the burnt part of me is now in ashes, and has long blown asunder in the wind. It's something that I can remember only if I put my mind to it nowadays.

Sure, there's always the warning that soon my friends will go, and that soon I will have no one left. But sometimes, I think I'm already there anyway. And there is no one. Life has bitten me too hard, too many times for me to consider a gentler world where dependence is not only accepted but celebrated, and friends have left too many times, oftentimes not by choice, for me to ever reach that stage where I'll ever get hurt by non-replied letters or emails ever again. Life sucks, and it kicks you in the ass all the time. Really hard.

I love all my friends. and you know I do. It won't be too much of a stretch for me to say that I consider myself one of the most loyal friends around. But because I give so much of myself to my friends, I have so few. I can't possibly give up that much to so many people...all the while hating social interaction now can I?

My sanity and my insanity. All wrapped up in blood and bone and going by the names of the friends I have.

So. I have few friends by choice, and even these few friends hardly hear from me. And the story goes round. A friend just mentioned that another friend only called him at the airport to tell him she was flying to Japan, and wouldn't be there for X'mas.

It's negligence too. We're all just good friends neglecting each other.

I am a product of my society. and sometimes, it sucks. I wish I could be nicer. Call. for example. But WHAT THE HELL DO YOU SAY when you just "call"??? I can't do it, and I don't think I'll ever be able to. There'll always be a need for me to have a reason to call. Some premise.

Maybe if I wasn't such a manufactured product, I'd be able to say... "Sure, let's call you for the hell of it. How the hell are you?" and if the other person on the line freaked and went "Oh my fucking god, what the hell does this psycho bitch want? Who the hell calls 'just because' anyway???!!!" and I'd be fine about it.

But I'm not. and I innately distrust people I don't consider my friends too. Which just leaves me, with my hermitage, right in the heart of the city.

***

My passions. My passions are something I haven't thought about in a long time. Let's just call me cynical and jaded. and let's also call me a drifter.

Wanderlust has bitten into me so hard that perhaps it encompasses my life as well, a life of drifting.

So I hereby present my passions and dreams. Small as they are.

1) music. the one thing I can't live without. Between going deaf and going blind, I'd rather go blind. Which apparently is the minority choice.

I went blind for 3 days once. It was the most frightening time, and it's really quite horrible having to grope your way around. But hey. push comes to shove. A life in utter silence would drive me absolutely MAD.

2) writing. you wonder where these omnibuses come from.

3) travelling. I'd live my life in poverty, just so I can save to travel. Learn all the things I want to learn, taste, see, smell, experience all these things I want.

I realise this won't last forever, that soon I'll want a permanent home. But somehow, I think I'll only ever want a base, and travel forever.

My wandering heart doesn't let me be. and perhaps that just compounds the problem of friends. I keep moving, and in this globalised world, so do my friends. We're all just moving, playing an elaborate and expensive game of tag; always meaning to and never quite catching up because hey darl, you're in LA and I'm in Australia, and in 2 weeks I'll be in Chile, and you'll be up in London....and that time difference is a killer.

so well. there goes. all I can say is that I don't think I was ever meant to be born. not in the negative sense, but perhaps in my Buddhist background sense.

Perhaps this is the lifetime where I'm supposed to attain my nirvana, you know. The lifetime where I'm able to join my monastry and meditate myself into enlightenment. (but sanskrit really bugs me when I don't understand it)

and perhaps. I really should look into the whole nunnery thing again.

posted by sway @ 2:01 AM