quod me nutrit me destruit

despair

2007-07-16T19:53:00.000+10:00

She bought a men's t-shirt that hangs down to her knees and wears it around the house. It's well worn and the white has turned to grey.

It reminds her of when she used to have him around.

2007-05-08T23:12:00.000+10:00

I guess the enormity has set in and while I feel a fair amount of trepidation, I'm still relieved.

one day I shall look back and laugh. In fact, I'm already looking back and laughing at the absurdity of it all. This will just add to a great movie script I think.

P accused me of thinking like a man. Maybe I do.

2007-05-05T20:33:00.000+10:00

and the wind blows cold
getting into places i didn't even know existed
gnawing at my../

2006-06-02T22:30:00.000+10:00

I guess niceness really is a choice

but sometimes it kills me to see people who are nice because of how sheltered they are lose their niceness and go through that bitter phase because the real world hit.

P/S I now have real Aeon Flux hair. Thanks to my kick ass hairdresser who really knows what she's doing.

short haired blues, pass the shears

2006-01-08T12:03:00.000+11:00

eurghh. short hair just requires so much MORE cutting! I'm definitely due for a cut very very soon.

Last cut I got, I asked for the Aeon Flux look,

and promptly ended up with anime hero hair. (i.e. I have hair that looks like the entire male cast of King of Fighters)

which has promptly dissolved into....indistinguishable bob. BORING!

I need to stop navel gazing

2006-01-02T23:47:00.000+11:00

your true color is Black! Your color is black. The color of night. Serene and mysterious, black conjures up images of elegant evening gowns, dashing tuxedos, and gleaming limousines. Traditionally a symbol of success, black also represents power and an uncompromising demand for perfection. Not surprisingly, you tend to set challenging goals for yourself and do whatever it takes to achieve them — your strength of character is second to none. This unfaltering determination, along with your natural elegance, impresses people. But keep in mind that your personality might be intimidating to some. Try to temper your demanding side with a little softness — trust us, it won't kill you. Overall, though, black is the color of professionalism and achievement, which means it's clearly the color for you. (from Tickle)

***

I guess I do push myself pretty hard. and I do need to temper it. Now. It's now or never. There are a few things I really need to give up. Like my job. and I really need a nice big slice of humble pie. I really really really need to learn humility.

you know. as socrates or plato said....well, something along the lines of "the smartest people realise that there are so many more things they don't know". I really am no longer young enough to know everything.

and I need to learn to be less....black or white. more grey. There was a time when I was encouraged to draw more boundaries. But I think I bought myself a pen and went a little crazy with it.

we'll see.

2006-01-02T02:01:00.000+11:00

A huge THANKS to my friends. I've been a crap friend this past year, and I suck at it. But thanks.

can I live alone? and what are my passions?

I had a deja vu dream about writing this piece less than a week ago, and when I woke up, I remember asking myself what the heck the two had to do with each other.

The answer is that they have nothing to do with each other, but both came up in conversation tonight.

***

I have long considered turning into a hermit. then I realised that I was an extreme cocooner.

Thing is. truth be told, I have on more than one occassion considered turning into a real hermit, heading for the hills, and staying there. I have considered becoming a nun, but could never decide which faith I would belong to; and I've definitely considered robbing banks to buy my own private island and swiss bank account and just living. alone. for the rest of my natural life.

But then I realise, who the hell am I kidding. No man is an island, and somehow I think I lack the mettle to buck the trend. I live in the city (or close enough that the hustle and bustle is still there) because I need that background noise. In other words, I like people. Just not one on one.

The fact that I work in hospitality makes it worse. The interaction with people at work is in fact all I need to sustain me socially, afterwhich I really don't need any more. In fact, any more interactions with me tire me. I try, believe me. I try. I realise I don't talk to friends, I don't call. and sometimes, when I do make the effort because I really do love my friends, and I really do try to make time for them, I find myself snarky, grumpy and short. Because I'm honestly people-d out.

Tonight, someone said I was socially negligent...and someone else clapped. and I definitely agree that it's a certain kind of nastiness that I seem to be very good at. So to all my friends, I'm sorry I turned out this way.

I won't try to make any excuses, but let's just say that I grew up this way too. How many emails went unanswered, and a sheepish apology later. I used to get hurt, until I realised that *most* people functioned this way- emails that served a purpose, and no need to reply after. Soon, I just became one of you, and the burnt part of me is now in ashes, and has long blown asunder in the wind. It's something that I can remember only if I put my mind to it nowadays.

Sure, there's always the warning that soon my friends will go, and that soon I will have no one left. But sometimes, I think I'm already there anyway. And there is no one. Life has bitten me too hard, too many times for me to consider a gentler world where dependence is not only accepted but celebrated, and friends have left too many times, oftentimes not by choice, for me to ever reach that stage where I'll ever get hurt by non-replied letters or emails ever again. Life sucks, and it kicks you in the ass all the time. Really hard.

I love all my friends. and you know I do. It won't be too much of a stretch for me to say that I consider myself one of the most loyal friends around. But because I give so much of myself to my friends, I have so few. I can't possibly give up that much to so many people...all the while hating social interaction now can I?

My sanity and my insanity. All wrapped up in blood and bone and going by the names of the friends I have.

So. I have few friends by choice, and even these few friends hardly hear from me. And the story goes round. A friend just mentioned that another friend only called him at the airport to tell him she was flying to Japan, and wouldn't be there for X'mas.

It's negligence too. We're all just good friends neglecting each other.

I am a product of my society. and sometimes, it sucks. I wish I could be nicer. Call. for example. But WHAT THE HELL DO YOU SAY when you just "call"??? I can't do it, and I don't think I'll ever be able to. There'll always be a need for me to have a reason to call. Some premise.

Maybe if I wasn't such a manufactured product, I'd be able to say... "Sure, let's call you for the hell of it. How the hell are you?" and if the other person on the line freaked and went "Oh my fucking god, what the hell does this psycho bitch want? Who the hell calls 'just because' anyway???!!!" and I'd be fine about it.

But I'm not. and I innately distrust people I don't consider my friends too. Which just leaves me, with my hermitage, right in the heart of the city.

***

My passions. My passions are something I haven't thought about in a long time. Let's just call me cynical and jaded. and let's also call me a drifter.

Wanderlust has bitten into me so hard that perhaps it encompasses my life as well, a life of drifting.

So I hereby present my passions and dreams. Small as they are.

1) music. the one thing I can't live without. Between going deaf and going blind, I'd rather go blind. Which apparently is the minority choice.

I went blind for 3 days once. It was the most frightening time, and it's really quite horrible having to grope your way around. But hey. push comes to shove. A life in utter silence would drive me absolutely MAD.

2) writing. you wonder where these omnibuses come from.

3) travelling. I'd live my life in poverty, just so I can save to travel. Learn all the things I want to learn, taste, see, smell, experience all these things I want.

I realise this won't last forever, that soon I'll want a permanent home. But somehow, I think I'll only ever want a base, and travel forever.

My wandering heart doesn't let me be. and perhaps that just compounds the problem of friends. I keep moving, and in this globalised world, so do my friends. We're all just moving, playing an elaborate and expensive game of tag; always meaning to and never quite catching up because hey darl, you're in LA and I'm in Australia, and in 2 weeks I'll be in Chile, and you'll be up in London....and that time difference is a killer.

so well. there goes. all I can say is that I don't think I was ever meant to be born. not in the negative sense, but perhaps in my Buddhist background sense.

Perhaps this is the lifetime where I'm supposed to attain my nirvana, you know. The lifetime where I'm able to join my monastry and meditate myself into enlightenment. (but sanskrit really bugs me when I don't understand it)

and perhaps. I really should look into the whole nunnery thing again.

bwahahahahaha

2005-12-28T23:50:00.000+11:00

MOS AND Cafe Del Mar in Singapore! oh bliss. do they do recovery I wonder?

2005-12-23T00:36:00.000+11:00

oh the beautiful world of online shopping. I really really wish I had a credit card.

2005-12-07T23:10:00.000+11:00

I really really really want to sue the pants off my migration agent.

What I will do instead is play nice till the last bit.

My agent is toast.

2005-12-06T23:04:00.000+11:00

so tired.

my moment of reprieve.

I can't believe it has to come from waiting for the dryer to finish its cycle. Two months more before $6 washes get left behind in my new boxed up life where I shall have to throw out almost everything I want and love, and send home everything else.

intend to scare the pants off my agent..once I actually stop being so soggy from being caught in the rain 5 times in one week. I'm popping centrums like they're going out of fashion in attaempt to ward off the niggling "I'm getting sick" feeling I've been getting for the past 2 days.

The day has come, I have one month before my application goes futt. I am cranking everything into high gear myself. I can do this. Take that you stupid migration agent.

2005-11-29T22:43:00.000+11:00

I'm PMSing, tired and grumpy.

No make that exhausted and heckling.

nearly slapped someone yesterday, and tomorrow I face the office world. and I am but an infant in that realm. well, at least they're more upfront than most.

stuff about moi

2005-11-17T21:51:00.000+11:00

a) I hate the way I look. maybe I should take my mother up on her offer of lasik and plastic surgery

b) I've just been tentatively offered a job if I can make it through this "sounding out" process. oh YESSSSSSSS. my foot is flexing in that door.

c) I don't have enough docos for PR...so I'm not sure what all this is about

d) I need to lose weight. badly.

e) narf.

I need to clean up my room. the stupid lights just blew so I'm blogging in darkness. bloody annoying. wanted to watch princess mononoke. maybe I will.

2005-11-17T21:01:00.000+11:00

put on 3kg. this is ridiculous. I am way over borderline obese now.

I'm going on a crash diet TOMORROW.

goodbye chocolate.

2005-11-15T22:08:00.000+11:00

I have been having the most morbid, disturbing and bizzare dreams of late.

There was that dream of me having murdered (but not remembering) someone and dumping them into a wheelie bin, and I then my father telling me he was a serial killer, and the best way would be to dump the body in water because water disintegrates the body at the fastest rate...

and then I got caught, because I didn't use some magic NIVEA BODY CREAM to roll the wheelie bin off the pier....

***

then there was the dream that one of my bosses was a werewolf or something similar, and he attacked me, and started gnawing at my neck.

******

so here I am, slighly shaken by strange dreams...and my dream dictionary website tells me it means I'm having a quarter life crisis of sorts. sheesh.

Me and My Makeup

2005-11-13T23:16:00.000+11:00

Q. Did you used to raid your mother's beauty case when you were a little girl?

hmmm. yes

Q. When did you first start wearing makeup?

13. I was a lian wannabe, but also because I had such bad skin

Q. When did you first start a proper skincare routine?

since birth. My mother always made sure

Q. What was the first makeup item you bought with your own money?

foundation. Cover girl...about 6 shades too dark

Q. What is your most recent makeup purchase? When?

I don't remember....ohhhh. mac black eyeshadow. months ago

Q. What do you expect will be your next makeup purchase? When?

uh. no idea. possibly a decent blusher, a top up of my foundation, or some skincare whitening treatment thing, or maybe coloured contacts. yeah I'm vain

Q. What was the first skincare item you bought with your own money?

hmmm. ten 0 six alcohol based toner. disgusting stuff. left my skin in shreds.

Q. What is your most recent skincare purchase?

face wash. seba med. seems to work

Q. What do you expect will be your next skincare purchase? When?

moisturiser, or something related to moisturiser. or maybe imedeen radiance. I'm starting to get lines on my face

Q. What is your favourite type of makeup (one only)?

foundation. My lifesaver. it's more a neccessity than a want.

Q. As the previous question would have been so hard to answer with only one item, what's your second favourite type of makeup?

I don't have a second fave...concealer? powder?????

.Q. What is your favourite overall high-end makeup brand?

hmmm. prescriptives.

Q. What is your favourite overall low-end makeup brand?

loreal

Q. What is your favourite overall skincare brand?

aesop, estee lauder for the idealist, loreal, ginvera

. What are the 3 most common brands found in your makeup case?

MAC, tony and tina, loreal

Q. What are the 3 most common skincare brands found in your bathroom?

aesop, loreal, estee lauder...and cetaphil!!!

Q. Do you impulse purchase or do you test, compare and generally try before you buy?

never impulse buy. My skin's too sensitive

Q. How often do you buy a makeup item?

not often at all. some of the stuff (or most rather) is at least 1 year old

Q. Where do you usually buy your makeup?

David jones, priceline

Q. What is your biggest skincare/makeup extravagance?

oh. idealist refinisher. I use it only when my skin is absolutely DEAD. that and prescriptives flight cream. and if I ever buy imedeen, then that will take the cake

Q. Do you cleanse, tone and moisturise every night?

no toning. just cleanse and moisturise

Q. Do you ever go to bed with makeup on?

never ever. never have

Q. What has been your biggest makeup blunder?

taking photos. apparently something in some of my makeup makes me look like darg queen when photographed

Q. What has been your biggest makeup triumph?

foundation that looks like skin

Q. Do you think your interest/obsession with cosmetics and skincare ever cease?

nope. me= fashion whore

2005-10-29T20:05:00.000+10:00

Fashionista
62% Tastefulness, 63% Originality, 72% Deliberateness, 47% Sexiness

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 68% on Tastefulness

You scored higher than 88% on Originality

You scored higher than 94% on Deliberateness

You scored higher than 52% on Sexiness

Link: The Fashion Style Test written by mari-e on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Glamorous Soul
54% Tastefulness, 63% Originality, 69% Deliberateness, 54% Sexiness

[Tasteful Original Deliberate Sexy]

You choose your outfits carefully according to many criteria. You don't
like looking cheap, dull or random and you go to great lengths to avoid
this. You are successful, too. People admire your taste and sex appeal.
Many try to imitate you but not many can recreate your unique style.
Sometimes, however, they find you too intimidating to approach. If you
don't wear retro style yet, perhaps you should consider it. It would
become greatly your sexy, mysterious self.

The opposite style from yours is Fashion Enemy [Flamboyant Conventional Random Prissy].

All the categories: Fashion Enemy Bar Cruiser Kid Next Door Sex Bomb Hippie Kid Fashion Rebel Fashion Artist Catwalk God(ess) Librarian Sporty Hottie Office Master Uptown Girl/ Boy Brainy Student Movie Star Fashionista Glamorous Soul

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 35% on Tastefulness
You scored higher than 88% on Originality
You scored higher than 90% on Deliberateness
You scored higher than 69% on Sexiness

Link: The Fashion Style Test written by mari-e on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

2005-10-29T20:04:00.000+10:00

Fashionista
62% Tastefulness, 63% Originality, 72% Deliberateness, 47% Sexiness

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

%20alt="free%20online%20dating"%20src="32-Type Dating Test

list

2005-10-21T11:48:00.000+10:00

THREE TIMES***
3 NEEDLES*
DAY BREAK
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN*
A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE

LIE WITH ME
SA-KWA
LITTLE FISH
THE PROPOSITION *
PROOF*
TRISTRAM SHANDY: A COCK AND BULL STORY**
SYMPATHY FOR LADY VENGEANCE ****
REVOLVER
BUBBLE
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE*
DAVE CHAPPELLE'S BLOCK PARTY
BEOWULF & GRENDEL
TIM BURTON'S CORPSE BRIDE***
Yesterday***
Paradise Now*****

* = must watch

2005-10-21T01:22:00.000+10:00

spoke to a girl who was leaving today...about The Boss. and how he's really a big softie despite all his posturing. his badass demeanour just a foil for his mushy insides. and she mentioned she could actually see him crying over his girl.

she asked me what kind of guys actually cry over say...girlfriends leaving them.

and I said "guys who are relaly in touch with their emotions like Dude and Pecs, or guys who try and push it all down. So that when it rises up to the surface, it comes back in a wave"

she laughed a little, and I realised that hey yeah...my boss is soft. really generously soft. Like one of those huge giant alsations that look scary...especially when they bound up to you and look like they'd chew you up and spit you out...but when you scratch them behind the ears, they just lean into you and stare at you adoringly. only his emotional repression only allows him to say "awwww" and give you a hug instead.

me and my molasses

2005-10-19T22:51:00.000+10:00

office politics sucks. more so when you really don't like the actions which are pretty unforgiveable really...but at the same time, you feel so sorry for the poor damaged soul underneath.

listening to: underworld born slippy. george michael you've changed.

2005-10-16T01:49:00.000+10:00

At this particular time you are feeling the results of extreme stress and you are seeking a 'way out' but you are pushing too hard. Obviously you need peace, tranquility and contentment. Your temperament is such that you are hoping, unrealistically perhaps, that your desires will shortly be fulfilled (even if at this time you are not quite sure what those true aspirations may be!).
You don't really give in. You follow your beliefs and ideals to the bitter end. You are the personification of stubbornness and whatever may transpire, right or wrong, you refuse to compromise or make concessions.
You are confined and trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way out. Whatever you seem to do to resolve the problem hasn't worked out. Fortunately you are able to gain some aspect of relief from someone close to you.
Recent disappointment has led you to become truly introverted. You are becoming suspicious of everybody and consequently you now feel that you are unable to trust anybody. Unfortunately it would appear that you are curbing your natural enthusiasm and imaginative nature - perhaps this is because you are fearful that you may become over enthused and find that you could possibly be carried away by wishful thinking. You are keeping your distance to see whether attitudes towards you are sincere - but this watchfulness could easily develop into suspicion and distrust.
You are inclined to be too trusting and you feel that you need to be on your guard against the possibility that your endeavors and actions may be misunderstood. Too often you have been taken advantage of and you have been mentally abused. Now you are seeking a relationship which can provide peace of mind, where you can be yourself and not have the need to put on a false front.

yep. one more.

2005-10-14T01:25:00.000+10:00

You have always longed for tenderness, love and a sensitivity of feeling into which you would like to blend. You are a very gentle warm person and responsive to 'All things bright and beautiful'. This personifies a caring person, a person who 'needs' and indeed 'needs to be needed'.

You are a leader and possibly at this time in a position of authority, but you are experiencing problems. You are not quite sure how to handle the present situation.

Matters are not progressing as well as you would have hoped and you are having to make concessions - but you still believe that your goals are realistic it's just that people can't seem to see your point of view. You know what you want but you'll only accept suggestions under duress.

As of late, you have been experiencing untold stress and this is a result of continuous frustration. You haven't been taking care of all your physical needs and it's beginning to show. It would seem that you have a need to find someone to whom you can really relate - someone perhaps whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to be individualistic - to stand out from the common herd. Your inherent control of your sensual instincts is restricting your ability to give yourself to open up freely but this being on your own, being lonely, often makes you feel the need to give up some of your strict standards to surrender to the general flow - to be like everyone else; a part of the herd. Deep down you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You would like to be loved or admired for yourself alone. You demand recognition and tender loving care.

You have so many ideas that you would like to revitalize but you need to realize a stable and peaceful condition to do so. Once you can free yourself from all the aggravation and tension around you, you will make strides that may amaze you. You will not be prevented from achieving all the things you so desire.

I guess I do feel better today

2005-10-12T21:22:00.000+10:00

the second one, maybe I am being too harsh, but I personally think I've reached the last straw. and I'm a camel. and I don't believe that we have anything to SHARE anymore. We're just...at such different stages in our lives.

At this time you are really feeling quite exhausted by all the conflict and quarrelling that is going on about you and you are looking for some sort of protection from this state of affairs. Ideally you are seeking a peaceful condition and a tranquil environment in which you can be afforded the chance to relax and recover.

You don't really give in. You follow your beliefs and ideals to the bitter end. You are the personification of stubbornness and whatever may transpire, right or wrong, you refuse to compromise or make concessions.

You are confined and trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way out. Whatever you seem to do to resolve the problem hasn't worked out. Fortunately you are able to gain some aspect of relief from someone close to you. Thanks SPam.

Recent disappointment has led you to become truly introverted. You are becoming suspicious of everybody and consequently you now feel that you are unable to trust anybody. Unfortunately it would appear that you are curbing your natural enthusiasm and imaginative nature - perhaps this is because you are fearful that you may become over enthused and find that you could possibly be carried away by wishful thinking. You are keeping your distance to see whether attitudes towards you are sincere - but this watchfulness could easily develop into suspicion and distrust.

In the past your trusting attitude has often been misunderstood and so you have needed to protect yourself against your tendency to be abused and taken advantage of. As a consequence you possibly adopt an aloof and critical attitude and you are only willing to let your guard down once sincerity and trustworthiness can be assured.

***
You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person.

Which ever way you turn you feel that you are being utterly thwarted. There is considerable conflict in the air but you will stick to your beliefs and not be deterred in endeavouring to attain your objectives.

Although you are, deep down, a very caring person, you are very particular in the choice of friends and indeed very demanding at times. You can be most quarrelsome and controversial and it is because of this argumentative trait you can at times explode into open conflict - conflict with even those you may care for and love. It is because of this inherent argumentative streak in you that may have resulted in broken hopes and dreams.

Whatever has caused the situation, you just don't seem to be able to sustain or maintain relationships as you would wish to. What you really seek is to be able to develop a relationship with someone with whom you can truly share: Love, Serenity, Peace and Quiet. But you are a very demanding person and it is your nature that leads to disquiet and discord: you are like the tide, flotsam and jetsam... One minute you experience 'highs' and a few moments later 'lows'. This obviously will introduce discord into any relationship and with this demanding attitude - the ideal state you desire is unable to develop.

Despite the urge to gratify your natural desires, you impose a considerable self-restraint on your instincts in the belief that this demonstrates your superiority and raises you above the common herd. You are extremely critical of everything that is presently going on around you and you find it difficult to listen to or to take advice from anyone. You enjoy the original, the ingenious and the subtle.

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship.

now for me to say something about what I think

2005-10-11T22:50:00.000+10:00

I feel like SHITE.

I can't describe it. I just feel like SHITE. like wrist-slittingly shite. like I haven't felt in a long time.

I'm just cranky, and grumpy. and all I want to do is be LEFT ALONE.

just let me go hole up in a cavern somwhere, curl up in an oversized couch with a book, blast some music, and leave me like that, in my own private bliss. a few days.

but nooooooooooooo. the world won't leave me alone.

I just am not in the mood for emotional people. clingy, angry, spiteful people.

sure I'm being a narccissistic callous bitch. But all I'm asking for is a little time out. gawd. just because YOU can't be alone.

see what I mean? that above statement was totally unwarranted.

bah. I'm going to curl up and read for a few minutes. a few minutes of reprieve before life drop kicks me.

***

I don't know where I'm going to find it, but all I want is a hug. A physical hug. no questions asked about WHY. Who, how, what, when, WHATEVER. I just want a hug. no questions.

part 2

2005-10-11T22:43:00.000+10:00

But but but, I really do want to just go away and recuperate ALONE for a week. ALONE. no lonely-and-need-company business. People sap me. they really do.

***
At this time you are feeling 'uptight' and you are urgently in need of rest and relaxation; but perhaps even more than that you need to overcome that feeling that you have been 'hard done by' and treated with a complete lack of consideration.

Maybe you have, but whatever may have been the cause of your inherent anxiety, you regard the situation as intolerable. You are, however, sufficiently competent to turn that situation around - you have overcome similar problems in the past, and really this one isn't too different.

You are looking for excitement and stimulation and you are ready to try anything - but be careful not to take too many risks.

You lack confidence and that is a great pity because deep down you are indeed a warm caring person. This lack of confidence is making you wary of being drawn into any open discussion or conflict and so you feel as if you should let matters lie and leave well alone. But there may be a pleasant surprise in store for you. You are beginning to grow and very soon - sooner than you believed possible - this warm loving new you will be available for all to see and to appreciate.

You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own.

You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt.

This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship.

cologenics today. (yes I feel like shite)

2005-10-11T22:36:00.000+10:00

Enough is enough - you feel frustrated and rejected. You are fighting back and the going is tough. It would be just wonderful if you could be left in peace.

You are a leader and possibly at this time in a position of authority, but you are experiencing problems. You are not quite sure how to handle the present situation. oh yes.

Many people will consider you egotistical and full of your own self importance. On the surface you could well give this impression and perhaps the reason for this complacent attitude is because at times you indeed have that 'short fuse' and are quick to take offense. does callous count?

You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry.

At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have ~~un-admitted~~ self-contempt.

Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. If you take stock of yourself, smile a little and let go, everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliché 'smile and the world smiles with you - cry and you cry alone!'?

Thing is I know all this. I'm just fucking....annoyed. and I know I am the cause, which is WHY I am so annoyed. does this even make sense? maybe I'll do a second one now just to see what it says.

not allowed to sleep

2005-10-03T23:18:00.000+10:00

I'm waiting for my laundry to dry in the dryer, and my hair to dry in this weather.

So I shall make pointless notes about stuff today. Usual boring shit.

-For the 1st time in a long while, I was in a supremely good mood. Such a good mood I was back on100% Natural Highs. Just add fresh air and water!

-Woke up FAR TOO EARLY.

-made balance class. EXTREMELY PLEASED. (did not weigh myself, think that would've added a damper)

-bought Anasi Boys, and have Mao's Last Dancer AND Neil Stephenson to read.

-Littered the day with notes to self. --- Including this one- GO TO CITY LIBRARY- books include Terry Pratchet, Salman Rushdie's Satanic Verses, Good Omens, 'Tis, Unbearable Lightness of Being, Yeats, Keats. oh. and do sheets tomorrow. pack money for work. buy eggplant.

-did laundry. mmmmmm. fresh laundry.

-Clean Apartment Day is this Friday. I am NOT TALKING to anyone ALL FRIDAY. One day off in 4 weeks. I am turning recluse for one day (till Jap buffet at night)

-ph and I really like the new Visa Richard Gere commercial

2005-09-25T01:19:00.000+10:00

brit guy came in last night with friends for chocolate. He looks ALOT better without his glasses.

2005-09-22T23:34:00.000+10:00

internship is pretty ok. I'm attached to a gorgeous almost non-human creature, and partially attached to a Brit guy who cuts his own hair (badly) with a rather strange and boyish sense of humour.

Today, I found out that Brit guy couldn't even say the words "racist" within earshot, because well, that's taboo. He's also slightly racist himself because, well, he thought racist jokes were embarrassing, but I think he secretly enjoyed listening to it...and if they're anything like Russell Peters, then I really don't care. He reminds me a little of Jazz Player. Slightly uneasy in his own skin, a little strange, quiet-seeming until you get to know him and all hell breaks loose.

I find it hilarious that people try and tiptoe round the race issue when it's literally in your face. My skin is yellow, my eyes are single-lidded and slant upwards, and I have dark hair...as opposed to the caucasians with your pinkish white skin with double eyelids and prominent nose bridges. And your point is that you're not supposed to notice all that?

Hmmm. I should introduce him to my other job. Where we sing songs that go "We're all....just a little bit racist" call people "White Trash" (and she embraces it because she coined the term) and make fun of each other's accents. HMMMMM. I mean, sure. Stef R was a little freaked out when we called the other Stef "Asian Stef" for a while...but hey. We at work believe in making race jokes, comments and statments so long as they don't harm or promote negative untrue stereotypes. (as opposed to positive true stereotypes. *cough cough*)

incoherence

2005-09-15T23:49:00.000+10:00

I definitely need sleep. I tried to post this email and almost succeeded.

b: you know the solution to your problem is very simple. You just need to fly back to the right side of the globe.

I was just thinking about travelling while staring at my song playlist just now.

80s sappy love songs make me think of Singapore late at night.
Pavarotti's O Holy Night makes me think of Las Vegas at X'mas...which reminds me of Jay Chou
***deleted tons of other songs/genres***
and Dave Seaman just makes me feel like raving.

but I'm so fucking old I'll prolly just turn up at the rave, and sit at the side, watching everyone else bounce blow-up dolls around. Nevertheless, I'm considering flying up to Sydney for New Years to rave by the beach that HOME nightclub is organising or sometime around there...just pop into HOME again and squeeze in one more rave, even if I just sit and watch. I think it's mainly drum and bass. If anyone's interested in that, sake at the fish market *cough cough*, black sesame icecream from passionflower and other such stuff....

Have some old friends up there, and one of them is getting married sometime soonish and Sydney is one of her stops in her inter-continental wedding (3 of them- Singapore, Sydney, England). And she's the biggest rave head I've EVER met. Ever.

She even dreams of popping and keeps 2 pills in her glove compartment at all times. The woman is fantastic.

Such a pity there's no absinthe at Kitten. I mean, the door's fluro green and there's no absinthe? How can that be?????????/

*****
yeah. I definitely need more sleep.

2005-09-15T22:01:00.000+10:00

loving natalie merchant after such a long hiatus.

80s love songs.

2005-09-13T21:52:00.000+10:00

OK. I think I might enable comments for this one...

I am having a huge wave of nostalgia for 80s late night love songs. I mean suicidal. Not the happy happy Cherish by Madonna, or Africa, or Down Under, or Mr Wendel.

I mean, Johnny Hates Jazz Me and My Foolish Heart, Turn Back the Clock, That desert moon song, Breathe- Hands to Heaven, Cutting Crew I Just Died in Your Arms, Expose- I'll Never Get Over You, Wilson Phillips. Natalie Merchant. That kind of thing.

Alternatively, I could settle for Mr Bojangles.

But yes, favourite late night 80s slush. The mushier the better. List. If anyone even reads this.

bills, bills, bills

2005-09-12T21:59:00.000+10:00

I just calculated that my bills, NOT including mum's help, comes up to $966. (and $98 for my tram ticket)

And this month I didn't have to pay...$200 of it. And I have $300 in the bank at the moment.

WTF. I'm sure hoping this month's 7 day weeks are offsetting my 5 day weeks from now on.

(I see about $1400 per month thereabouts not including weekend surcharge)

I'm already making excuses up about why I won't be joining colleagues for lunch.

I feel

2005-09-06T20:12:00.000+10:00

recently I feel like I just want to run for the hills. Literally.

Just look for a picturesque lake somewhere (switzerland, maine, my knight granduncle's place...somwhere) plop a cottage there with all bills paid for and central heating. And just go in and NEVER COME OUT except for walks along the lake or the occassional coffee with the local convenience store clerk.

I asked a few people recently if they'd ever had the same impetuous, and only one said yes because the rest felt they still needed people. Or at least the bustle around them, whether they wanted to be part of it another question altogether.

I mean, I know I would never last in a cottage like that. Every night I'd be waiting for a disembered voice to ring me, Sadako to crawl out of the TV, Gremlins to take over my computer, and Freddy Kruger to creep in through the window with Jason armed with a chainsaw. If all else failed, I knew I would fall head-first into a washing machine so I could turn myself into a spiral. Or get lost in the woods where the Blair Witch would find me, having recently moved into the neighbourhood along with the Headless Horseman and the Big Bad Wolf.

But the urge to just disappear doesn't go away. Just vanish, with no note, no nothing. and then turn up again when I feel like it. No questions asked.

Maybe I just need to attend my body balance class. Haven't been in over a week.

Listening to: Danny Elfman imitating Oompa Loompas in my head.

love and marriage

2005-09-05T21:49:00.000+10:00

I just found out one of my super-cousins just got married. She's the SAME AGE AS ME.

I can hear my parents already.

and the worst part is, *I* feel like I should be holding down the $60K per year job, pushing out the 2.4 kids and owning a golden retriever.

Oh. My. God.

Damn super-cousins.

rainbows

2005-09-01T10:36:00.000+10:00

I remember standing at the lookout point on top of Table Mountain in South Africa, peering over the edge and over the safety railings. It was a sunny day, but there were snatches of tiny wispy clouds pooling just below my feet, disguising the steep drop down the mountain.

Among sparse vegetation and clouds were tiny rainbows, at least three or four of them, forming bridges between the clouds. They weren't full arcs, more like slices of pie but they held my full attention as I stared at so many rainbows popping up among white fluffy clouds.

"In the old days, mountaineers used to throw themselves into the clouds and rainbows" my father spoke from behind me.

"why?" I turned around.

"Because up here, there's less oxygen, and it can cause a drunken effect. They were so enthralled with the clouds and rainbows they thought they were in paradise and threw themselves off because it was so beautiful."

I laughed. My dad, the source of random information.

I remember my facination with clouds soon evaporated as quickly as fog when I discovered fogs were clouds, technically intangible in the way I'd imagined it.

but rainbows.

I remember stories about pots of gold and leprechauns, and it facinated me even when I used to chase after them as a child, how they would disappear, or seem to receede from where I thought it was, like how the moon always followed me.

I remember Judy Garland singing about bluebirds and rainbows, and when I saw my first full arc in Australia one rainy day, I was transfixed for minutes, staring at the full rainbow in the distance.

When a faint second arc started to appear, I was so amused I wanted to take a picture.

***

Yesterday was a rainy day, full of wind and rain and grey sky. I love my rain, my cold winds, and I take comfort that the clouds hang so many thousand metres closer to the ground, hang so low I want to reach out and touch it.

But in that nervous knot within my tummy, I wasn't in the mood for watching raindrops on the taxi window.

But as the taxi took a turn towards the Fitzroy Gardens, I saw a full, bright rainbow materialise above me. It was enormous, and it was a complete rainbow stretching above my head, so close I had to tilt my head to see the highest point.

So big and bright I could count all seven bands of the rainbow.

Violet indigo blue green yellow orange red. I could even see how indigo and blue seemed to blend, as did orange and red.

It was the first time I'd seen one so close, so bright and so huge. and I realised how grey the day was, when there was technicolour. Like spot-colouring.

and weirdly enough, I felt lighter, happier, as the rainbow followed me all the way up Bridge Road before dropping me off just before we turned into the driveway, waving its goodbye in its fading arc, till only one leg was still seen.

2005-08-23T20:11:00.000+10:00

whitney oh whitney, where are you?

I miss your voice.

Listening to: Whitney- I Will Always Love You

2005-08-21T15:26:00.000+10:00

the Wit
(52% dark, 34% spontaneous, 15% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK

You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're
probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You
realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons'
philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most
other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat.

I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer.

Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion.

You probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm
talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 37% on dark
You scored higher than 15% on spontaneous
You scored higher than 11% on vulgar

ok. maybe I'm not

2005-08-21T15:02:00.000+10:00

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

Very Well-Rounded

You have:
62% SCIENTIFIC INTUITION and
70% EMOTIONAL INTUITION

The graph on the right represents your place in Intuition 2-Space. As you can see, you scored above average on emotional intuition and above average on scientific intuition. (Weirdly, your emotional and scientific intuitions are equally strong.)

Your Emotional Intuition
score is a measure of how well you understand people, especially their
unspoken needs and sympathies. A high score score usually indicates
social grace and persuasiveness. A low score usually means you're good
at Quake.

Your Scientific Intuition
score tells you how in tune you are with the world around you; how well
you understand your physical and intellectual environment. People with
high scores here are apt to succeed in business and, of course, the
sciences.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on Scientific
You scored higher than 99% on Interpersonal

Link: The 2-Variable Intuition Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating

I like how they think I'm weird. Just like my Myer-Briggs.
Also, they have very stupid people taking the test if I can score so low and be in the 99th percentile.

the Wit
(52% dark, 34% spontaneous, 15% vulgar)

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 37% on dark
You scored higher than 15% on spontaneous
You scored higher than 11% on vulgar

I am a nerd

2005-08-18T21:48:00.000+10:00

I mean, I don't often think of myself as a nerd...but recently, I've come to realise just how much of a nerd I am. Not in a L337 way, just in a really academic way.

I know I'm reasonably cool. Not painfully hip, but not a granola munching hippy either (and hippies are arguably quite cool).

I guess...I came to this realisation that I can think of more than 5 PhD students offhand (all of whom skipped masters and are freakishly young), and count them as friends. Not acquantainces, but real friends.

And while it all seems pretty common to me, and we all try to rationalise it (there are about 18000 PhD students in Melbourne Uni alone so they say) a PhD is still a pretty rare thing. One may certainly have the brainpower to achieve a PhD, but the drive (read: nerdiness) required to actually go for it only resides in a much rarer breed.

And I think of how many masters students I know, how many honours students, and suddenly the number just doubles.

So here I am, friend of academics. I was hopeless at the whole studying business, but I realise that if marks and papers weren't an issue, I'd love to sit and read. How nerdy can I get? I just want to sit and absorb information.

Last night I spoke to a PhD student I was introduced to by Brydon, another PhD student. Brydon introduced him as "the one stop information shop" and from a PhD student, I reckon that's pretty high praise. Coming from Brydon, himself a repository of anything from "how to germinate warratahs" to "it is technically possible to create a chicken with no head, beak, feet and 4 wings"this was very very high praise indeed.

So I sat there grilling him on really silly questions that no one had been able to answer satisfactorily.

"Why is Naploeon considered the 1st antichrist?"
"What's the entire history of Palestine and Israel?"
"HOW did they decide that there was going to be a Jewish state?"
"Why do they speak Hebrew if the state was kind of formed only 50 years ago and they mainly spoke Yiddish anyway, and Yiddish is now a dead language?"
"You mean Palestine does not technically exist????"
"Why do the French have such a superiority complex? What gives them reason?"
"How exactly is the Taiwanese Paliarment structured?"
"Why is Nostradamus considered seriously?"
"What's the difference between the Howard goverment centre-right and normal centre right?"

and he actually managed to answer it all. AND.

I was actually interested.

WHAT THE HELL. I just sat there absorbing it all in, because I'm actually interested in knowing about France's superiority complex. and exactly how right wing is very right wing.

and it struck me that I AM SUCH A NERD.

The 9 year old who finished Lord of The Rings in 3 days while knocked down with food poisoning, the 8 year old who finished the abridged texts of Shakespeare, the 12 year old who enjoyed reading encyclopedias, and started on dictionaries- but it started to bore her. Tried reading the Chinese classics, but her Chinese was crap, and ancient Chinese is a pain.

My childhood heroine whom I still greatly admire today is XiShi, someone who lived over 2500 years ago, whom I found you guessed it, reading. Climbing on 2 chairs to reach books on ancient Chinese history.

I don't know about you, but if I had a child like me, I'd be freaking out no end. (I blame my upbringing- especially my dad and his nerd friends) I don't want kids like me. And I don't want kids at all actually. But kids like me would have me panicking.

It's just. not. normal.

My nerd roots are showing, and I'm actually alright with that.

2005-08-17T00:33:00.000+10:00

where. is. my. brain.

rofl

2005-08-14T02:00:00.000+10:00

Singapore breaks up riot of 4 protesters

although this one's interesting

happy national day everyone.

abnormal periods

2005-08-14T01:30:00.000+10:00

apparently I've been having abnormal periods for the last 14 years of my life.

I always knew my periods were irregular, but never paid that much attention since that's pretty normal, and it's occurrences were within normal range. and I've never ever missed one.

I thought I didn't have period pains, even though I would pass out from the pain of bloating. and when I finally realised I did suffer from PMS (after a particularly bad episode), I started on the evening primrose oil.

Then I started getting cramps. At 22.

and then, I read that the average flow is much less than what I go through and it's advisable that I head to a doctors. yay me.

Which means that as soon as my visa checks are done, it's straight to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth extracted, and the doctors to make sure my ovaries are in order. double yay me.

2005-08-12T18:34:00.000+10:00

I have no wish to be attacked by XX's legion of rabid fans, but that photoshop she did of Furong jie was er, TOO SKINNY.

further proof that I have been aussiefied.

Now all I need is a speech therapist.

***

speaking of which, I think furong jie's english site is done by a Singaporean- who's using it as a joke site. Honestly.

Especially when some of the words are so English ed and it's purposely been made to sound like broken English, and that PRCs don't speak like that in general. sheesh.

conundrum

2005-08-09T22:56:00.000+10:00

How do I convince my mother that earphones will not make me deaf by next week? (leverage her headphones)
How do I convince my mother that sending objects by mail may be expensive, but it won't break the bank and will certainly cost less than buying something here even after postage? (hmmmm. leverage the money issue?)
How do I convince the same parents who used a hammer on my clock-radio to send me ONE iPod let alone two? (hopefully I can leverage my sister on this one)
How do I convince the parents to let me use some of my 23-year-old heist of ang pow money when they've never let me touch it before? (same leverage)
How do I achieve all of the above, without any nagging? (it's UN-possible!!!! and inevivavable hahahahhaha....oh erlin I will miss you)

How odd. Isn't it usually the younger child who uses the older sister as leverage? HMMMM HMMMM HMMMMM.

"But Muuuuuuuuuum, Lil' Sis has an iPod shuffle!!!!!!!! I want to use the money I've never taken out before, ever to buy things at over $100 cheaper!!!!! I'm SAVING MONEY!!!!!!!!"

rofl. oh. daydreaming can be so amusing.

Pirated Malaysian DVDs are great for one thing.

2005-08-04T00:48:00.000+10:00

SUBTITLES!

2005-08-03T03:29:00.000+10:00

talking to psychos is like trying to reason with drunks and children. It just doesn't work.

The best piece of advice so far has to have been

"Don't try to act sane in an asylum"

Listening to: Candice Alley- Falling

2005-08-03T01:37:00.000+10:00

It's not the full moon and PMS is not due yet.

What gives?

world values

2005-08-01T23:10:00.000+10:00

that Ingleheart World Values Survey is giving me a headache. and Catchmeladies is right, if you stare at it long enough, it stares back at you.

What I HATE about it is how few countries are surveyed and how they've come to such startling conclusions, conveniently omitting countries that (to me anyway) might not fit.

And what the heck is "Africa" and "South Asia" and "Confucian" and "English-Speaking" vs Protestant and Catholic Europe? Seems far too convenient for me. Where would Cuba fit in? Ex-Communist or Latin America? Where would Malaysia fit in? Secular or Traditional? You know what, I suspect it might even fit into Confucian. and WHY does Israel fit into Europe? because it doesn't. Its values simply correlate.

Bah. I told you. That thing is giving me a headache.

foodie lament

2005-08-01T22:28:00.000+10:00

I have a sudden craving for South Yarra and St Kilda food.
especially

Orange
The Botanical
tusk

mmmph. FOOD. want to go.

and phoenix. the moroccan soup bar. all two 80. nyala. abla. pekopeko. kaleidoscope. and that one that jess and gerri were talking about on lygon.

oh and. the shit is bananas.

GAH

2005-07-31T02:30:00.000+10:00

offkilter pointed me to the Mercedes mixtapes...which led to their link on iPod compatibility in their cars.

I swear when I read that, I almost changed my mind about buying a Creative Zen Jukebox...until I read that it's only available with the newest B-class, and every other version of Merc from July 2005 onwards.

GAH. I don't have a new car!!!!! (or rather, my parents don't)

Maybe in a few years. In the meantime, it's the jukebox I'll be getting- and we can always use my sister's shuffle if we can somehow upgrade the car stereo. I don't think so though. and besides, my sis will want to listen to her boybands while I'll be wrestling for chillout or blues or Sting or something and since it's her iPod......NAH. not gonna even think about it.

once I find a flattering pic of myself, I'll put up birthday pics. Promise.

Random statement: Polo Ralph Lauren's Blue smells like Loreal's body scrub. That green exfotonic stuff. SERIOUS! (Thanks jazz and butterball)

2005-07-29T17:31:00.000+10:00

I found out through an NDP parody MTV that Raffles Holdings has sold up! WTF.

this is fun

2005-07-25T23:54:00.000+10:00

http://www.music-map.com/fila+brazillia.html

some kind of AI, and funnier still, they call it GNODstic. HAHAHAHHAHAH!

daughter of damned

2005-07-25T23:44:00.000+10:00

do you reckon if I went mad, and demanded for all these long-lost unimportant trivial things like DVDs, books, CDs, precious time wasted and the odd broken heart back...I could blame it all on the labrador next door who barks orders at me?

Mood: Going berko

2005-07-25T01:16:00.000+10:00

I think I just ODed on music.

I realised I still have 1G of bandwidth left for the month, so I'm STREAMING music atm and like the glutton I am, I am listening to all these songs and artistes I've been meaning to hear, and looking up all these soundtracks.

Hell, I even accepted some ayumi-sounding t.a.t.u file from offkilter because I knew I had bandwidth.

I've run the gamut from new stuff and stuff I've never heard before, to oldies but goodies I don't own. I even previewed the entire Black Eyed Peas album, and thank God there's no repeat of Don't Phunk With My Heart. That song is SO ANNOYING.

(Currently listening to Wilson Philips. How long has it been since you even read the words Wilson Philips!)

Man, if it were possible to pass out on an OD of music, I think I'm pretty close to it, either than, or it's because it's 1.20 in the morning.

hmm. I just made offkilter google an answer that was killing me. Why does Gwen Stefani sound like she's sampling an 80s song? and WHAT 80s song is it?

Luxurious= Isley Brothers, Cool= reminicent of The Cars.

Ha. *happy now* it was driving me absolutely NUTS.

evil plans

2005-07-20T18:11:00.000+10:00

oh yes. Not only have we managed to get a Sydneysider to fall in love with Melbourne (she hated Sydney and thought she hated Australia), we now have managed to get someone from Adelaide to fall for Melbourne too!

YES!

***

ARGH. Bad Karma! Gloat about getting people to fall for Melbourne, and one of my friends comes back from a month-long trip round Europe with several thousand dollars worth of shopping including a BALENCIAGA BAG!!!!!!!!

it's not the shopping and the bad that I'm pissed off about (I technically *could* have bought the bag if I didn't buy the damn dress and have to now buy matching shoes) it's the sudden longing to go back to Europe again.

In my past life, I was definitely European. Definitely.

birthdaze

2005-07-18T19:11:00.000+10:00

apparently I have even more friends to add to the Leo List.

I've mentioned SOMEWHERE in my old blog that from mid july to early August, I have at least one friend per day celebrating their birthday somewhere. I've lost contact with many of them, but it seems I keep picking up new ones with the same birthdays- effectively meaning I know people with the same birthdays.

(the entire span from mid-Jul to early-Sep is simply a bumper crop of friends)

so at work, we recently told our boss:

26th, 27th, 28th, 29th. One birthday each.

He looked vaguely amused for a while, then said "I guess we'll just have to close the shop and go on a 4-day drinking binge then. No wait. we'll close it on the weekend as well. that's 6 days"

My boss the alchie. now this side I've never seen before.

2005-07-16T19:43:00.000+10:00

I don't see why I keep going back like a whining spaniel. As soon as this is over, I'm going to keep it strictly ceremonial.

too late, too late!

2005-07-11T23:13:00.000+10:00

Borders were looking for talent in their campaign, the payment? $100 Borders voucher.

I MISSED OUT because I was too late! This is the second time I've been too late for something, the first time being the Mercedes Fashion Week in Sydney, where I even bought a ticket to Sydney, but was told they had enough volunteers. ("payment" was a free pair of Lee jeans, and lots of contacts!)

I mean, I'm a busy woman too you know, can't be checking my eamil every 5minutes!

Boo hoo. *mopes around in self-indulgent pity*

2005-07-10T22:47:00.000+10:00

EDIT: ARGHHHHH!!!!! MY SIS IS TURNING INTO A SHU NU! CHECK OUT HER POSE ON FRIENDSTER!!!! *faints*

but her poetry is pretty damn powder.

2005-07-10T22:20:00.000+10:00

+[o1] Name : j
+[o2] Middle name ~ z
+[o3] Last name ~ c
+[o4] Nickname ~ That's Ms Bitch to you
+[o5] Gender ~ female
+[o6] Age ~ 22
+[o7] Birthday ~ 29 july
+[o8] Height ~ midget
+[o9] Hair color ~ dark brown
+[1o] Eye color ~ dark brown
+[11] Race ~ nonya.
+[12] Do you wear glasses or contact? ~ both.
+[13] Do you have braces ~ not now. I may soon. should see a dentist.
+[14] Is your hair long or short ~ long
+[15] Where were you born ~ seremban, negri sembilan, malaysia
+[16] Current location ~ austrahlia
+[17] Zodiac sign ~ LEO
+[18] How many languages u know? one.
+[19] Nationality ~ singaporean
+[2o] Bad Habits ~ many.
+[21] Piercings you have ~ ears, navel, was considering eyebrow.
+[22]Piercings you want ~ um. I always wanted one on the eyebrow, and another on the top of my ear, but my cartilage goes on strike all the time. and if my nose weren't so ugly, I'd want one there too
+[23] Tattoos you have ~ one
+[24] Tattoos you want ~ five. Not going to happen though. Realistically, maybe the second one.
+[25] Today's date ~ uh. 11th? 10th?0
+[26] The time ~ 10.23
+[27] Ready for more questions ~ great. space filler.

SCHOOL LIFE---
+[43] Are you still in school ~ hopefully not
+[44] Did you drop out ~ hell no
+[45] Currently in ~ limbo
+[46] Favorite grade ~ HD+
+[47] Least fav grade ~ fail?
+[48] Favorite teachers ~ Gordon. But I swear he hates my guts
+[49] Least fav teacher/lecturer ~ Mr Head. He tried to lynch me with a tennis ball
+[5o] Favorite subjects ~ english, renaissance history, media art.
+[51] Least fav subject ~ physics, A maths aka GM Star
+[52] Do you buy lunch or bring it ~ ?
+[53] Play any sports on the school's team ~ I used to? Takekwondo, 200m, 400m, 800m, 3km, Shot Putt, swimming (house team)
+[54] Do you do any co-curricular activitives ~ hmm, singing, dance, even organisation, magazine editing, writing, design and as above
+[55] Are you popular ~ only after I turned up in Australia. I think. I think I was a little too, er, individualistic for Singapore
+[56] Favourite dance ~ hip hop, modern jazz (have yet to learn), salsa!
+[57] Least fav dance ~ ballet. I suspect if I tried, I'd be like a hippo making pot holes in the wooden floorboards
+[58] Favorite memories ~ many
+[59] Least fav memories ~ *cackles*
+[6o] Most humiliating moment ~ oh, I'm a one-woman humiliation machine.

--FAVOURITES--
+[61]Favourite number ~ ?
+[62] Clothing brand ~ Cue, Third Millenium, Willow, Witchery, Supre, Diesel, Sonzai, Lorna Jane, Esprit, Ink, some review, M)Phosis (yah lah, I chao ahlian cannot ah?), Chaos (yah, I SPG oso. Cannot issit?) I could go on but I won't. I mean. If you want big brands I'd wear we'd be here all day.
+[63] Shoes ~ hmm. my green fake mahnolo boots
+[64] Phrases ~ "charming"
+[65] Favourite TV shows ~ *furrows brow* don't watch TV
+[66] Sports ~ I love watching figure skating
+[69] Movie ~ this is stressful.
+[7o] Magazine ~ Marie Claire, Vogue, Time, the occassional Harpers.
+[71] Actor ~ depp.
+[72] Actress ~ hmmph.
+[73] Candy ~ poached fruit?
+[74] Gum ~ none
+[75] Scent ~ girls: Alexander McQueen- Kingdom, Lancome- Attraction guys: Davidoff- Cool Water and Echo, Versace Blue Jeans
+[76] Choc Bar ~ HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.
+[77] Ice cream flavour ~ choc mint, rocher.
+[79] Seasons ~ autumn
+[8o] Holiday ~ europe, including Russia etc
+[81] Brands ~ I'm not into the whole flash your brands thing. I like monochrome. I don't have patterns on my stuff in general
+[82] Singers ~ oooh. er, too many
+[83] Group ~ oh boy
+[84] Rappers ~ eh. ludacris? snoop? fat man scoop? oh cypress hill? beastie boys?
+[85] Types of music: almost all
+[86] Things in your room ~ moisturiser, heater and fan, CDs, alarm clock, books
+[87] Place to be ~ home. now
+[88] Radio station ~ Nova and Fox
+[89] TV channel ~ VH1, ten
+[9o] Food ~ hot, sour
+[91] Overall food ~ er.
+[92] Store ~ erm, Coles?
+[95] Restaurant ~ rickety old ones with class
+[96] Shape ~ *disturbed* in terms of aesthetics? plates? greeting cards? body? DIAMONDS?!?
+[97] Songs ~ nah
+[98] Musical instrument ~ chinese flute, erhu, guitar, piano
+[99] Person you love~ hmmm.
+[1oo]What do you wanna say most now~ Yeah yeah. WHATEVER

2005-07-10T22:08:00.000+10:00

1. SCHOOLS YOU ATTENDED?
TNS, TKGS, PLC, MelbUni, RMIT

2. WHAT IS THE WALLPAPER ON YOUR
CELLPHONE?
[*] Melbourne State Library

3. DID YOU GET ENOUGH SLEEP LAST NIGHT?
[*] I'm...not sure

4. FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS
MORNING WHEN YOU WOKE UP?
[*] mmmph. Bill Henson. Crap. Can't make it, have to settle visa.

5. WHAT DO YOU HAVE AT YOUR BEDSIDE?
[*] mountains of crap

6. EVER TRIED TO SKIP MEALS
[*] er, I don't try. I forget. Anyone who's been to my workplace will understand why.

7. GRILLED OR FRIED?
[*] depends.

8. WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE TO OTHERS?
[*] I'm strange. I have small eyes, and I have fourth toes that curl under my third

9. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
[*] no.

10. FAVOURITE HANGOUT?
[*] cozy homely rickety joints

11. 3 THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT?
[*] music, things to do, clean laundry

12. FIRST THING YOU WILL BUY IF GIVEN
1 THOUSAND DOLLARS?
[*] rent. ohkay. maybe hmmm. air freight instead of shipping.

13. FAVORITE SONG WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPY?
[*] hmmm. Sting.

14. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
[*] raw dead fish, heights, myself sometimes

15. ARE YOU A GIVER OR TAKER?
[*] giver

16. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
[*] many.

17. MOST RECENT MOVIE THAT YOU WATCHED?
[*] Mr and Mrs Smith

18. INVISIBLE FOR A DAY, WHAT WOULD YOU
DO?
[*] disappear.

19. STUCK ON A DESERT ISLAND & COULD
HAVE ONLY ONE KIND OF FOOD FOR THE
REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
[*] homemade sambal, vegies and rice.

20. FAVORITE T.V. COMMERCIAL?
[*] HAHAHHA, what a question to ask an Ad student! uh. I like the Hahns ads? and the Toyota one. Can't Wait for Tomorrow.

21. IF YOU'LL DIE TOMORROW, WHAT WILL
YOU DO?
[*] finish reading love in a time of cholera.

22. FIRST THING YOU'LL SAVE IN A FIRE?
[*] people.

23. YOUR EYE COLOR?
[*] Dark Brown

24. WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU ALWAYS
BRING?
[*] phone, wallet, keys.

25. WHAT DID YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOU
WERE A KID?
[*] according to my mother, it was a housewife. I don't remember this and strenuously deny all claims. Maybe it was transference.

26. WHAT DO YOU USUALLY DO WHEN THE
CLOCK TURNS 7 AM?
[*] finish taking out the chairs, start making waffles or chop strawberries

27. THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEET?
[*] dark blue, light blue, or lilac. They were cheap on sale at target about 4 years ago. and They match my doona covers.

28. WHO DO U WANT TO MEET?
[*] whom I've never met before? Dalai Lama, Tom Ford, Baz, Alexander McQueen, Nina Simone...there are plenty of interesting people our there.

2005-07-10T01:47:00.000+10:00

perhaps in my parent's age it wasn't only appropriate but neccessary to wear blinkers. It still pisses me off that they're so racist though.

mixed news

2005-07-05T23:43:00.000+10:00

I look like I've got sponsorship. It looks so much like it I've put down a $2000 deposit.

BUT. (and there's always a BUT)

I need an assurer, and I'M NOT EVEN SURE IF MY COUSIN WILL AGREE to be sponsor.

My boss agreed to be my assurer, BUT he himself needs to get his PR 1st. *sighs* Know anyone (or two) people who earn over $31, 500 a year who's PR/citizen? That's about just under 3K a month.

Alternatively, find me an attractive sugar daddy.

Listening to: Jack Johnson- Staple it together

good looking boys

2005-07-04T23:50:00.000+10:00

It's a well documented fact (by me anyway) that I have strange taste in men. They're either...eclectic, or extremely super duper good looking.

Today, as I popped into work to run a few errands on my day off, a customer sitting with his girlfriend caught my eye.

I nudged Tom. "Oei, cute guy on table 96"

Tom simply rolled his eyes. "I like girls. GIRLS!"

My coffee arrived and I sat outside with Gerri and my manager, and told them about the cute guy

Gerri peered in and saw the girlfriend, who was Indian.

"Is the guy Indian?"

"Yes"

"You and your bloody Indian fetish!!!!"

"I DO NOT HAVE AN INDIAN FETISH. I simply like tanned men more than fair men. Like Tom's a nice shade" I point my chin towards Tom, who was steadily approaching in his Filipino tan with some free food.

Gerri rolls her eyes. "Yeah yeah, Tyson Beckford."

Manager swoons at the very mention.

Gerri wrinkles her nose"but he has tattoos. So many!"

cue more swooning.

I recover enough to correct her

"Takeshi Kaneshiro, Johnny Depp, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers...and that's just the ones I deem good-looking. Besides. You and Jen have the same taste while I operate on some different level of reality. I mean, CURRY GUY DOWNSTAIRS!!!!! he's got a tan- me no like. Takeshi fair. Me like. "

I mock retch.

"well if I had to pick the best looking guy from work, it'd be Thomas. That really fair baby faced look I know YOU DON'T LIKE"

we laugh.

"and Andy...so not my...."

"He's a good boyfriend" I cut in

"yeah but too skinny"

"naaah. but you know me, I'd rather them skinny than plump. whereas you're the other way around"

we laugh again.

It's so good we have such different taste in men I mentioned to the manager. We'll never fight.

Then as I'm about to leave, Gerri runs up to me.

"OH MY GOD. I SAW THE GUY YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT. HE'S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD LOOKING!!!!!!!"

The manager shoots me a look.

I laugh.

"I've got great taste" I say as I turn on my heel.

2005-07-04T22:47:00.000+10:00

10am migration agent
12.15 body balance
1.15 burn CD
6pm dinner with chalyz
8-9pm meet at amy's place
9-midnight in the airport seeing amy off

trying to meet up with gerri in between for movie except she's gone mummy watching and doesn't know when she'll finish.

2005-07-04T01:03:00.000+10:00

I love how his Aussie accent is so strong and yet you can hear the middle eastern/asian/ethnic tone in his vocal style.

This Old Love- Lior

Yes we're moving on
Looking for direction
We've covered much ground
Thinking back to innocence
I can no longer connect
I don't have a heart left to throw around

And time moves on like a train
That disappears into the night sky
I still get a sad feeling inside
To see the red tail lights wave goodbye

But we'll grow together
We'll grow old together
And this love will never
This old love will never die

Money slips into your hands
And then slips out like it was sand
And there are shoes that you can never seem to fill
I've chased so much and lost my way
Maybe a face for everyday
That has so casually passed me by

And time moves on like a train
That disappears into the night sky
I still get a sad feeling inside
To see the red tail lights wave goodbye

Morning comes
Sometimes with a smile
Sometimes with a frown
So I never want to worry
If you gonna stay around

2005-07-04T00:28:00.000+10:00

jack johnson and rob thomas have such sexy voices.

tomorrow:

-migration agent
-call guardians
-clean house
-look for zoolander
-use up voucher.

LISTENING TO: Liar- This old love

bug-a-boo

2005-07-03T00:06:00.000+10:00

ANNOYING. there's a bug going round work...Nat and I caught it 1st, and it's been spreading. The next people to get it are now Roni and Lisa. GRRRR.

Symptoms:

- Nausea, retching, even throwing things up
- flu-like symptoms
- feelings of vagueness
- weakness and tiredness
- disorientation
- feeling hot and cold
- severe headaches and dizziness
- sore throat

anyone from work who reads my blog (which hopefully = only 2), watch out for it.

***

Holy Moly!

I just checked out SPG's blog, and her choice of words was almost the same as mine in my last post- only her's was written at 6.40pm on friday. *blinks* Considering I hadn't read her blog before putting up that post, I'm really surprised.

It's like how when we used to have house concerts in high school, and there was like some kind of creative soup that everyone seemed to dip into and pull out such similar themes and in-jokes. I think Neil Gaiman has a quote on it somewhere. about how he just had to punlish his serial killer's convention story ASAP before any other author did because everyone in the writing world knows that ideas seem to have a strange way of appearing in different heads at around the same time- proving once again that originality is moot when it's a universal originality.

of course hers is written from a Christian perspective, and mine from a more universalistic kinda view.

In-ter-esting. One subject, 2 treatments.

I'm talking in circles again.

***

Have Thu off. We're supposed to go drinking- maybe I can convince everyone to go to Alumbra. I miss my salsa.

irony aka wabi sabi

2005-07-02T03:25:00.000+10:00

black and white is always a beautiful way of looking at the world
but the world is not beautiful
we just make it so.
just like how it is us that makes the world so very ugly.

To be human is to bear the weight of the world.
and to be human is to wreck the world.

beauty and despair.
selfishness and selflessness.
love and obsession.
nature and nurture.

ying and yang.
black and white.

2005-07-01T01:54:00.000+10:00

tomorrow, tomorrow

parting is such sweet sorrow.

partypartyparty

2005-07-01T01:35:00.000+10:00

HMMMMMM. Gerri's holding one on July 17th at her place. The theme's Saints and Sinners. If you're a Sinner, preferably come as a prostitute, slut or a pimp. There are *ahem* punishments if you don't come dressed.

I also have one (and this one's more impt!!!) in the Long Room. DRESS UP!!!!! Sleek and Sexy Sophisticate is the ideal!!!!

AND don't forget my birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!! That one is still tba.

Listening to: Everything But The Girl- Missing

and yes, I am high. I've had 4 beers and a shot in 2hrs. Stella is still my fave- although I don't like beer. One of those more palatable beers. Like what Corona is passable with lemon.

cut me some slack ok. I've eaten one sushi today- and had a teensy weensy bit of dinner. Like an eighth of a serving WITHOUT the rice.

For RenaissanceMan

2005-07-01T01:30:00.000+10:00

hey baby. I just watched Batman Begins. And I *really* liked it. It's gone back to that neo-noir feel. The old TimBurton feel. I like.

My kinda thing. Dark, sexy. But you know that. :)

I'm a dirty dirty girl

2005-07-01T01:25:00.000+10:00

I've decided that I really like explicit R&B and hip hop songs. As opposed to subtle R&B and hip hop songs.

For example: Lil Kim's How Many Licks

or Fat Joes' Lean Back.

and that milkshake song still like it.

Listening to: Foo Fighters- Best of You

53 questions

2005-06-29T21:34:00.000+10:00

1. whose picture is it that you keep on
your wallet?
:: none

2. what time do you go to bed?
:: whenever I CAN.

3. what was the last thing you did before
filling this
survey?
:: log onto friendster to approve someone.

4. who's the one you always meet the
most?
:: My colleagues. *wry smile*

5. who's the person you're gonna call if
you need
help?
:: I don't know. I honestly don't. Candice?

6. what's on your mind right now?
:: Do I have IBS? And what are lyrics to this song???

7. who's number on your speed dials?
:: no speed dial. I'm a luddite

8.with whom do you wanna be to have
fun?
:: erm, that sounds really dodgy.

9. what movie do u wanna watch now?
:: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Melinda and Melinda, Batman, Mr and Mrs Smith, Initial D, The Machinist, Downfall.

10. when was the last time you went out?
:: hmmm. last Saturday.

11. what do you hate the most for now?
:: my tummy. I think I have IBS.

12. when was the first time you slept
alone?
:: erm. I think I always have. Even when I was a baby.

13. what do you wanna do for now?
:: chillax

14. what do you do everyday besides eat
and
sleep?
:: work. talk on the phone. shower.

15. what could piss you off?
:: an irritation that's been building up.

16. fave pet?
:: hmm. Big dogs, water-friendly cats, and anything else I might like. Snakes, chinchillas, whatever. No birds though, and NO FISH.

17. colors that make you happy?
:: creamy yellow? tangerine?

18. most fave thing in your room?
:: my bed, my CDs, my baby comp.

19. what was the last thing you bought for
your
room?
:: candle-lamps from Oxfam.

20. any instruments in your room?
:: a guitar.

21. do you cook?
:: yesh. Wish I could have more time to do that!

22. miss someone?
:: many people.

23. plan to buy something?
:: how about an assurer? also, a ski holiday, a QLD holiday, food, heels.

24. are you satisfied with your life now?
:: erm, sort of.

25.do you like seafood?
:: yes.

26. breakfast or dinner?
:: dinner

27. what do you usually eat for breakfast?
:: well if I do, it's usually Chai tea from Starbucks or Hudsons if I'm working, if I'm not it's Bircher Museli and soy milk.

28. did you eat breakfast today?
:: no

29. do you recycle?
:: I try to

30. do you have a laptop?
:: no. PowerBook, come out soon! *drums fingers*

31. what's your favorite fast food?
:: sushi?

32. cats or dogs?
:: both. but a preference for bigger breeds of dogs, and friendlier breeds of cats. And if they like water, all the better.

33. salty or sweet?
:: salty

34. city or country?
::city

35. what's your favorite kind of jeans?
:: flares. closely followed by wide-fit

36. Is kissing normal for your age?
:: *blinks* It better be.

37. are you athletic?
:: sort of.

38. do you swear?
:: oh yes I do

39. would you ditch your friends for a
date?
:: er. haven't been on enough dates to know.

40. do you have your own cell phone?
:: yes

41. what do you wear to bed?
:: a giant tee and depending on the weather or how I'm feeling, boxer shorts or trackie daks

42. ever had a crush on a teacher?
:: NO

43. coke or pepsi?
:: coke. but I prefer non-bubbly drinks

44. sugar or spice?
:: spice

45. can you use chopsticks?
:: not correctly. Well, actually correction. I can. But it takes too much effort. and my patience lasts all of 5 seconds when all I wanna do is EAT!

46. do you like to read for pleasure?
:: yes yes yes

47. do you care about getting good
grades?
:: YES. bloody bitchy lecturer!!!

48. have you ever fallen asleep in class?
:: YES. doh. it's so embarrassing!!!

49. get a job or ask your parents for
money?
:: get a job. I think I still need to ask my parents for money for a bit longer though. It's not feasible otherwise.

50. is your dad strict?
:: not as strict as my mum

51. do your parents give you enough
privacy?
:: erm, NO.

52. do your parents trust you?
:: erm, I *think* so

53. would you trade places (in life) with
your best
friends..?
:: definite no.

Shopping spree and fortune telling

2005-06-29T19:21:00.000+10:00

people don't know what a shopping blitz is till they've met me.

Much like all other aspects of my life I'm an extremist when it comes to shopping. I don't shop for months on end, and then make up my mind all this time.

Many times, the clothes are no longer available- especially since I'm a size 8 living in the city. Size 8s are always one of the 1st sizes to go in the city. It's like all the skinny bitches shop in the city and all the normal people shop in shopping centres. Whatever.

Anyway, this time, I went on my blitz but the stakes have been upped. I've literally been dreaming of the sexiest red dress I've ever seen for months on end (Autumn/Winter Season so you can imagine how long it's been out). It's the colour that's so sexy.

It's just this unbeliveable shade of red. It's like blood red. A very very deep red, bright but not too bright so that it's not fire-engine. Deeper. Yet still very red. Very rich. Very satin.

Catch? It cost $400.

I sat on it for months, before finally walking in, to find out it wasn't in my usual sizes 1 and/or 2. Then finding out that it was available in size 2 in Sydney. (1 dress left in the whole of Australia!!!!) Problem was that size 2 doesn't fit me as well.

I thought I'd sit round and think some more. Is it fate that I can't get it? Should I let it go?

Then I literally dreamt about it last night, realised I wasn't going to ever let it go and went for broke.

I decided to try the size 0 available in store and buy it if it fit on the spot or order in the size 2.

It fit. I bought it.

Not only am I happy I have the dress, I fit a size 0!!!! YAY! it's a tiny tiny tiny bit tight but it's not like I have trouble zipping it up or anything. It's just my huge torso and ribs. Bloody ribs.

Also managed a bargain with my peacock earrings. I'd been eyeing them at a friend's sister's store for $45. I bought mine for $20. YAY!

Bought my guardian his birthday present. Now all I need to do is TALK TO THEM. *sighs* and while talking to the saleslady, it turns out that she's in ethics and communications, and that she's meeting some top copywriter of Pantene for dinner tonight, and she'll hook me up if need be.

I was like. OK! I mean, even if I get spam forevermore, if I can't stay, well then it won't matter will it? Only a month of spam, I can hack it.

This does mean that I'm BROKE though. ahhh 3-day skiing holiday! Queensland diving!!!! NOOOOO!!!!! I think I'm gonna have to call off diving and do that another time when I'm earning pots of money

****

Erlin read my palm today because I asked her. Apparently she's freakishly accurate about your past and present (hence by insinuation about your future) and about the entire store has had their palms read by her.

She's been right every single time- even the boss has had his palm read by her. And she's said some quite unhappy home truths about people, and yet she's been right, like when she read someone's palm and said, "The person you're with right now. You don't really love them. You love someone else, and you should go after that person" and the someone actually didn't say anything and looked rather disturbed instead.

I mean, it's normally the fruitcakes we associate with palm reading and all that, but she's been accurate thus far, so I thought I'd ask her to read mine for some fun and laughter.

Take note she doesn't know much about me. She was right. Again. She looked really puzzled when staring at my palm though, as if she didn't know what to make of it before finally telling me everything as a series of questions because it was like she'd discovered a new side to me she'd never seen before.

"You've had to make a lot of very tough decisions on your own from a very young age. Why?"

She was right. and I simply told her I've been here since I was 14. DUH. Of course she doesn't know about my numerous crusades and campaigns, my tough choices I've made and the little private non-published rant I have on this blog about how I feel 84 because I seem to have to make things happen all by myself all the time. She didn't ask, I didn't tell her.

Then she looked even more puzzled. Smoothing my hand with hers and furrowing her brow before saying

"And you have alot of admirers. But you keep turning them down. Why? They're not just admirers. They seem to be in love with you"

I choked back a laugh. "Things just don't really work out I guess" I tell her.

I haven't told her any of this, and no one at work really knows half a thing about my love life.

She peers at my palm again. "You're getting married at 28"

I recoil. "I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED!!!!!"

Linda's there and she laughs. "That's 4 years."

I yell back "FIVE! I HAVE FIVE!!!"

Linda laughs. She's never seen me so panicky before.

"and you'll have one kid" I accept this possibility. I've always intended to adopt one from a 3rd world country.

Then she looks really puzzled again. You're gonna climb the career ladder really really quickly no matter what you do.

I take that as a good sign. I wonder if my palm will change overnight if I decide to embark on a singing career.

You have a potential to be really really rich, but you may not. She points to a fork in my money line. It's not really a fork because the left fork is atcually a part of a semi-loop between my 2nd and 4th fingers, but she percieves it as thus.

You'll never be hungry though.

You'll either keep earning until you're really comfortable and reasonably rich and then stop, or you'll just keep on going. You have the potential to be very very rich she says because of this line, she points to my equally faint line heading straight up my third finger. Power and money she says.

I nod thinking about it. She says no matter I'll be rich, it's just a matter of how much.

I feel slightly better after my shopping binge. More money to come. That's alright by me. So long as i'm not hungry for the rest of my life.

I feel comfortable about that.

Well, if any of it comes true that is.

I'm a tightwad

2005-06-29T19:19:00.000+10:00

remembered there's a better way. Upload images to deviantart account. Go to school.

Burn CD using school's DVD burner.

Listening to: Just Jack- Snowflakes (Cured by Temple of Joy)

2005-06-27T22:17:00.000+10:00

listening to: Primitive Radio Gods- Standing Outside a Broken Phonebooth with Change in my Hand

remind me.

I NEED TO GET AN EXTERNAL CD BURNER

wah lau eh

2005-06-24T12:37:00.000+10:00

while my gaydar is pretty alright for gays (what with me being fag haggy and all) I have a wonky one for lesbians. Unless they're on the masculine/active/butch/dyke side. In fact even then, it's pretty wonky.

I guess it's because I really don't give a shit about a person's sexual orientation and I know this sounds so try-hard and cliched but it's true.

I mean, obviously I'm going to give a shit if some Aussie dyke with multiple facial piercings and leather chaps comes up to me and tries to give me some feminist bullshit (no offense to the feminists, but 1st and 2nd waves aren't really my thing although very valid. I just don't have much passion). But that's because of ther personality. It doesn't gel with mine, hence I don't roll with them.

If any friends of mine were to say "yeah, I'm homo" I'm not going to run away screaming "AHHHHHHH you fucking faggot!!!!!!"

more like,

"ah yeah, ok. So what did you want to order again? The gnocchi or the ravioli?"

i.e. NON-ISSUE.

but then. THEN! (and there is always a but is there not?)

Not only does my mother think I'm lesbian because I'm not bringing good (-looking) Chinese boys home, my gay friends think I might just be lesbian, and gerri my fag-haggy best friend in Melbourne is actually trying to turn me into one because she wants a lesbian friend to add to her collection of gay men.

NOW it seems, even lesbians think I could be lesbian.

eh.

to use a Singlish euphemism, WAH LAO EH.

The good news is that I'm unequivocally a femme despite displaying some active characteristics. *laughs*

well. *ponders* let's put it this way. Boobs do nothing for me although hot women as a whole sometimes do. Does that make sense?

Angelina Jolie is hot hot hot. Her boobs however, are like...yeah ok. I have boobs too. Maybe they're not as pretty as yours (although I've been told they're a bit of an alright) but meh! and no, I most certainly do not suffer from boob envy, which most straight women seem to suffer from.

Body dysmorphia yes, boob envy no.

Meh. I still don't know what it is about me that gives off a lesbian vibe. My sparkling wit and personality perchance?

alright all you fag friends. TELL ME!!!!

randomised II

2005-06-24T11:31:00.000+10:00

two nights ago I also accidentally on purpose bumped into some Scotchies.
who were either on their way, or already stone rolicking drunk, or very very happy on pills
they were the first scotchies I'd ever met since I've graduated
they were also the first people I'd seen mixing alcohol and pills
and they were also the first people I'd seen do pills in over a year
I was very very amused
they knew I was amused
they said it was like it was a spectator sport, and I was the spectator
they were right.
I have a deep dark dirty secret
I come from their sister school
but I don't like to admit it
and most people can't tell I come from their sister school because I don't act it
I like this relative anonymynity
Yesterday I spoke the most Singlish I've spoken in months
my tongue now feels curled over and doubled up because it's been contorted in ways it's not used to
I enjoyed speaking Singlish despite the little voice in my head laughing at my heinous attempts
I don't know what to get for an Indian engagment present where I know both the bride and groom

randomise me baby

2005-06-24T01:57:00.000+10:00

I met two bloggers today, one is my cousin's friend, ther other used to take a blasted 9am class with me last sem and we used to be far to grumpy to talk to each other in real time.
They're both cool. One's a lot prettier in real life, the other is alot chattier. And. We're both fag hags! We spent 5hrs straight talking to each other.
I still have to think of an engangement pressie. and it's tomorrow!
I've been feeling really spewy of late. and I don't know why.
Rejoice! All that 4kg in 1 month talk is not real! It was just my period! It seems I have broken all barriers. My customary 2.5kg bloat is now up to 4kg!!!
Rejoice!! The P-paper didn't affect my marks *too* badly- I scored a 73 overall. Good enough for me to score a distinction.
Rejoice!!! one of my cousins may be sponsoring me!!! (and she's over 4 years younger)
Amy is leaving in 2 days. *sighs*

sms

2005-06-20T23:14:00.000+10:00

"mis u im late for plane runing no need to reply here anyth just ************* u made me fall in love wit MLBRN. Bye for now"

Thank you.

It's beginning to hit hard. So hard.

2005-06-20T23:06:00.000+10:00

Closing time - time for you to go out, go out into the world.
Closing time - turn the lights up over every boy and every girl.
Closing time - one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer.
Closing time - you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

Drink up, drink up. It's time to go. Go out into the world. Step outside the frail paper door and into the realm of reality

I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...

These past 8 and half years are a dream. I am closing in. Closing into a little tea ball. Turning into a grey tea ball.

from chotda @ flickr, blog at scentofgreenbananas

Closing time - time for you to go back to the places you will be from.
Closing time - this room won't be open 'til your brothers or you sisters
come.
So gather up your jackets, and move it to the exits - I hope you have found a friend.
Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

and yet where I am from is hardly where I am now.

Yeah, I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...

Closing time - time for you to go back to the places you will be from...

I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...

I want home to take me in. and yet I feel the beginnings of wanderlust again. My nomadic ways seem to crave a base from which to roam, and yet it can't decide on where to base in the first place.

Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

and as I draw the screen on this end, I realise I understand that it's fate. That there are bigger and better things waiting. New countries to call home- for a little while. Things to do, places to travel, the bitter yet sweet tang of life to sample.

Everyone fears change, and in my world, the change is stagnancy. Regression. No more change.

argh

2005-06-16T12:09:00.000+10:00

my notes on feedback to your presentation (29/4/05) were that you needed to develop brand architecture and ID using Aaker's Brand ID and Spectrum, ID Elaboration and role models. After **** marked your paper I reviewed it and found that your final paper did not address these points in a comprehensive manner. You provided a lot of descriptive work but the ID and architecture were not developed. The resultant grade of P will not be changed.

*sighs* ok. obtuseness seems to be forte it seems. Perhaps I presented everything as fact instead of stating "the author posits".

At least I know I tried and I now know what preperations I have to make.

Crash

2005-06-16T12:01:00.000+10:00

just watched Crash last night.

Excellent. just a tiny bit try-hard...but with material like that, it's hard not to come across as try-hard unless you made a dark satire. At points it did indeed go down the self-referential/ironic track with Ludacris spouting some line about how rappers are just yet more symbols and reinforcement of black oppression although if you didn't know it was Ludacris, the whole thing was extremely in character without irony. And he's a pretty decent actor on top of it all.

An understated cast of A-listers, the star turn was Matt Dillon; kudos to Brendan Fraser for not looking like a dumb jock for once. And there I was thinking that the permanently vacant look in his eyes was real.

Disturbing, depressing and uplifting all at the same time.

Random Post #856907865097865097

2005-06-15T00:00:00.000+10:00

Bec's evil fashion side comes to fore:

Of all the big fashion houses, I used to really like Gucci because of Tom Ford. But now he's gone, I really like the understated elegance of Chanel. Armani ain't bad too (despite being out of fashion atm) and some lesser known ones (the likes of Oscar De La Renta) are really really beginning to grow on me.

Matthew Williamson is a tad too colourful although I like the designs, and I really. Like. Third Millenium. Scanlan and Theodore is good too, especially some of their slightly different accessories.

For his concepts, I LOVE Alexander McQueen, and if there were ever a coffee table book of his work, I'd buy it once I got a place.

Still do not like Chloe and I don't know why. (nor have I seen their supposedly to die for jeans) Sass and Bide have always been a little too er, metallic glam and Alannah Hill has some good stuff occassionaly, but most of it far too frou-frou. Love the earrings that they stock from some independent designer though. Seahorses down my shoulder? Sign me in!

All in all I've realised my tastes haven't changed much since I was a kid. I still like it simple but sexy and feminine enough with a twist of lime. I still hate loud patterns and florals and a huge fan of monochrome.

simple, sleek but sexy.

and all this talk is making me want to shop. *sighs*

Actually, I'm 84

2005-06-14T23:07:00.000+10:00

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

You Are 32 Years Old

32

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

2005-06-14T00:31:00.000+10:00

read this INCLUDING COMMENTS

HAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHA. Jess, Fits and Clem may act all teenyboppy, but I know better! bwahahahahha.

"My head hurts. Can we go back to bukkake talk?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!

nee hee hee hee hee hee

2005-06-13T21:51:00.000+10:00

FINALLY caught up with gerri last night, (after at least a MONTH- DAMMIT) and found out she's watched Team America too.

Now THAT was really bad. Because I'd told WhiteTrash that I'd seen it already and we were making Kim Jong Il jokes all the way through, and now Gerri's joined the melee.

She walked straight in to work today and went "HERRO!" in that black-attitude/cool-girl kinda way and WhiteTrash promptly smacked coffee down on the table so hard it splashed everywhere.

Which paved the way to an entire day of Team America jokes (including FiloTom making sleazy takes on it). Well. At least we've moved on from Russell Peters jokes.

Went for dinner at the divine Regina's and one of the waitresses there decided to make a Max Brenner face in the latte foam. We took pics but because I have a Nokia and Nokia's aren't luddite friendly I can't show you. boo.

Song In My Head: Foo Fighters- Best of You (Drave Grohl possibly possesses the best windpipes of any drummer)

Listening to: Mandy Moore- The Way to my Heart

and yes, it makes for very discordant brainwaves.

classical music

2005-06-13T01:02:00.000+10:00

It's really really odd but I've been having classical music in my head all day.

Thing is, it's not just one song, but a few. Mozart, Chopin, Beethoven. Very very very odd. It's particularly weird when you hear Liszt in your head and you simultaneously recall your textbooks (paraphrased) "Liszt was considered a rogue in his time, inciting women to faint in droves. A showman, he used to walk on stage clinking with chains." and can actually see accompanying pictures in your head. (courtesy of texbooks)

source: http://www.peoples.ru/love/liszt/

Cue fainting scene from Farinelli.

and me trying not to giggle while doing work.

harebrained excuses of an atas

2005-06-11T23:48:00.000+10:00

I seem to be very whingy of late, and I don't like it. (and even that's a whinge)

There are so many blessings to count and all I do is immerse myself in self-righteous self-pity. RIGHT.

I've started full time at work, and I'm already sliding down the slippery slope to inevitable madness. That said, we have a hopeless new manager and at the moment I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt because she's NEW and our store rakes in the most revenue by close to the hundreds of thousands (we make more in our one store than all the stores in Sydney combined) and she's not used to the pace or the orders LA LA LA LA LA . BLAH.

I don't want to whine but sometimes I fear I'll turn into WhiteTrash, who got so angry with bottled up rage one day she had a stomachache. and she whines and STILL gets the tummyache.

I mean, she's a TERRIBLE manager. Half the time its WhiteTrash and I who c0-manage the bloody place. and as Linda said, in the one year she's known me she's NEVER seen me pissed off. (not at staff anyway, and I deal with customers extremely politely even if they are the most heinous creatures to traipse past this little corner of the earth) And NOW, I AM PISSED OFF. I normally don't get pissed off AT people but the stuff they do. Something I learnt from my guardians. But this woman. It's a part of her personality that makes her such a bad manager.

as a manager you don't disappear for more than 10min past your allocated break because you want to have dinner with your boyfriend whom YOU LIVE WITH. You don't make sorry excuses about not wanting to open the shop because your boy comes home late at night and you 'can't sleep before him'. And you most certainly don't. go. on. your. break. before. other. members. of. staff.

MADNESS.

I gave up my bloody fucking break because she went on hers. I willingly did this of course, because she did offer me and tell me to go....when there were about 10 coffees to make AND NO ONE ELSE TO MAKE THEM. I mean, there was one girl, but in the time she takes to make ONE, I've made THREE. I saw her do it and went...."right" no way in hell.

Even the dishy hates her! He kept repeating and repeating about not being sent on break, and asking if I'd had mine. and it was SO obvious I was running the store that everyone came to me for answers instead of her. Even things she SHOULD know since the system is EXACTLY the same in Sydney, like how our micros till system works and shit.

She just simply can't manage. and I don't want to look like I'm challenging her or trying to run the show and steal her limelight, but when I can't take it and make really really really diplomatic suggestions

"Hey, do you think we could ask X from the shop to come over and help? I think we might really need some at the moment"

(cue frenzied chaos on floor, dishes upon dirty dishes on each and every table, including the occupied ones where new customers are looking increasingly irate, AND a mountain of food and drinks sitting on the counter waiting to be served AND staff frantically running around looking like they're about to either burst into tears at any moment, or a panicked hunted look like they want to be in about 5 places at one time, one of them being very very very far away from the store)

she turns it down with some HAREBRAINED reason.

And she's SO LAZY!

I mean, it takes SKILL to be so freaking. lazy.

We're busting our proverbial balls and she's standing in shop STARING AT HER NAILS.

and she hates floor, only does dessert (slowly), and has (I repeat) NO MANAGING SKILLS WHATSOEVER.

What does this mean? It means, I make the coffee, help her on dessert and THEN run out on floor to RUN THE FOOD. THEN. come back in again to repeat steps ad nauseum. (and at the same time try to comfort poor on the verge of tears staff)

ARGHHHHH ARGHHHHHH ARGHHHHHH.

I could go on and name more incidents and even more ANNOYING specifics but I think it'd reveal too much so I shall shut up now on that aspect but honestly *jumps up and down and goes ballistic*

Again. I think she's new and she needs some experience but it's not fucking fair on WhiteTrash and I to be managing the store and having to deal with her trying to act all "I'm boss" and not allow us to TRY AND HELP HER.

I've even brought the issue up with her in person because I believe there's no use (and it's extremely bitchy) to just bottle it all up, bitch amongst ourselves and she hasn't got a clue as to the discontent- So I've brought certain (more annoying things) up with her to see what her reasons are and sheesh. some of them are....are....*sighs*

Honestly, it's so bad that when I finally went on my break (for 10min IN STORE because I didn't trust anybody) everyone cheered and clapped that I was finally going on break.

Livid? HELL YEAH.

I lied.

2005-06-09T10:39:00.000+10:00

I was so peeved about it, I couldn't sleep last night.

I thought more about it, spent 1hour poring over the comments and realised that while I certainly DO NOT deserve a fantastic mark (Another HD+ is out of the question), I certainly do not deserve a P.

I'll admit to many of the points she made (sloppy referencing, bad formatting due to printers) but she didn't realise what I was trying to do, or understand that we had based our entire assignments on a TEMPLATE. (which the lecturer wanted)

I also undestand that I OBVIOUSLY didn't make my case clear if an outside marker could not understand my paper. HOWEVER. She was pretty punitive to the point of being ridiculous in some areas like

"In order to understand the branding of Tourism Queensland, one must first acquaint oneself with the idea of destination branding" <--- WHY?

well, because Tourism Queensland is a destination! I reckon that's pretty self-explanatory and to explain it would be an insult to the reader AND take up more precious word count.

ALSO

she did not see my presentation. While the rest of my class did one aspect of the book, and made recommendations based on it, I did that aspect to BUILD a second aspect of the book from scratch, and it was this 2nd aspect that she labeled (and that's an entire third of my paper) "IRRELEVANT"

Holy cow. I'm getting more and more and more peeved.

I'm asking for a re-mark. I'll take my chances since I can't possibly score any lower than a P can I.

p/s did I mention that the HD+ subject and the P subject are both taught by the SAME LECTURER????????

1st and last whinge on this result

2005-06-08T12:58:00.000+10:00

I got my advanced paper marked by an outside lecturer who doesn't know that we based our assignments on a BOOK TEMPLATE.

And she didn't see our presentations and didn't know what went in there. Basically, she didn't realise why alot of things were included and couldn't see the reason.

I'll admit I don't deserve a particularly good mark after she pointed out the formatting (I sent it to a printers for colour printing but it screwed up the page breaks) and the reference typos (I obvioiusly didn't spell check it) as well as problems with referencing. Apparently I've been doing it wrong all these years.

I really could have spent more time cleaning it up and all, and certainly the referencing typos should not be there- but to accuse of of non-critical thinking? GAH.

Whatever the case, there were alot of things that she marked us down on because they were based on the book. And Gordon (the lecturer) even apologised, saying he didn't teach the course the way it was meant to be.

STILL!. I find it quite annoying that I have an HD+ (over 90%) in one subject and a P (50 odd) in the other.

NOT HAPPY AT ALL.

It says that our marks are going to be moderated- and it bloody better be!

skitter scatter

2005-06-06T23:48:00.000+10:00

and so it is, my last exam.

For now that is.

Exam from Hell: The Return

Whatever the case, we're done.

and like autumn leaves, we're scattering across the globe in the same time it takes to change seasons.

Listening to: Elton John- Cold Cold Heart/Faye Wong- Wishing We Last Forever

2005-06-05T13:54:00.000+10:00

whee.

2005-06-04T02:50:00.000+10:00

conspiracy update.

this one's one of the best written so far. Man, I'm splitting my sides laughing.

clive owen

2005-06-03T20:30:00.000+10:00

admittedly not the best looker around- but then again I have strange tastes, since I don't find Brad Pitt appealing- he is nonetheless moving up my "sexy man list".

He grows on you like aphids on papayas.

The Hire

Can't wait for Sin City even more now. He's there with another guy who grew on me- Bruce Willis. Ever since Bruce stopped playing stupid Die Hard cops, he's really grown on me too. not sure how exactly sexy he is though.

Listening to: BT- Dreaming [evolution remix]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

2005-06-03T12:55:00.000+10:00

sgblogconspiracy

BWAHAHAHAAHAH.

I am in Australia, and there is no Gutnick Law (yet) so I dunch care. *adopts extremely Singaporean accent*

Dunch care means dunch care. Link then link lor... (besides, there's no technocrati tag to this blog- which is what they're using to track all the ~~paranoia~~ postings)

I am a material girl

2005-06-01T22:55:00.000+10:00

forgive me. I've just come from an exam from HELL. these thoughts keep me going.

my newest bullshit wishlist whimsy (black ones aren't me being serious)

-Creative Zen Jukebox 60GB (because it's got the biggest memory out there- there's some weirdass brand doing 80GB but I don't trust it)
- 2 mp3 equivalents of a TiVo (one for my mp3 collection, one for a BACKUP- if I had my way, I'd have an mp3 storage of a GAZILLION GB)
-Tiffany's teardrop pendant/bangle/earrings/ring (but especially the pendant)
-earrings from that place in the GPO
-a powerbook (but I'm willing to wait if a magic G8 suddenly appears) wireless and bluetooth!
-PR
-Canturi diamonds or Shaune Leane stuff(HAHAHAHA!!!! I'M REALLY NOT SERIOUS ABOUT THIS ONE...well, unless you're my parents. HA! that's even funnier. [no I'm not serious in the slightest])
-Tracie Matyn Serum
-Time to watch movies from my movies to watch list. (must make that list- up there with books to read list)
-A refund from Guess for that shitty belt that broke the 1st time I put it on
-Red Curtain Trilogy Box Set
-Lifetime credit at ANY CD store
-Flickr Pro
-A decent digicam SLR. (is that an oxymoron?)
-Prague/Nepal/Russia/Spain/Portugal holiday
-manymany more that I thought of to keep myself calm outside the exam room.

I've come to realise I am paranoid about electronic stuff because it's not tactile. I can lose it to some evil insiduous bug overnight, or I could face the blue screen of death at ANYTIMEATALL, or, or, OR! my computer could just magically not start up one day. (it happened once. I was flipping like nothing you've ever seen- the fuse box had blown) and we all know that files have a way of migically disappearing every once so often.